Somebody loan me some fashion flags, QUICK!

     I want to first clarify the fact that I am NOT the poster boy for GQ. I am old, wrinkled (all of which I have earned), and prefer the t-shirt/shorts/flip flop look any day to "getting dressed up". However, I do enjoy watching people which does result in my abundant dispersion of "fashion flags".

    Every time I take an assignment, it means getting on a airplane. If I get on an airplane to go to an assignment, that means I must get on an airplane to get back home. Unfortunately, this means two adventures through the TSA screening process. While you are in the TSA line it is easy to tell who travels frequently, who has never flown, and who thinks there are there to impress someone.

     When I fly, I attempt to make myself TSA friendly. I wear Merrills, usually wear jeans and a golf shirt, don't wear a belt, check my pockets several times, and place my watch/ring/wallet in my computer bag before I enter the line. I check the TSA site (http://www.tsa.gov/) frequently for any changes or updates in carry on regulations. And yes I put my liquids in a one quart bag. This does not mean that I am immune to the "random" hand and shoe swabs for explosive residue, an occasional "pat down", or having my bags "sniffed" by Fido.

     Last Friday I was standing in the TSA line at 6:15 am. A female (I think) entered the line wearing dangling metal ear rings that touched her shoulders, thigh high boots (with no zippers), a tank top with metal stars covering the front, a jacket with rhinestones everywhere, belt buckle that Tuff Hedeman (3 time world champion rodeo star) would be proud of, and a large bag on her shoulder who's contents rivaled Opie Taylor pockets was about 4 persons ahead of me. The "aroma" she was emitting validated my thought that she used the $3.99 a gallon "fly spray" available at Rite-Aid, and had applied several gallons. I really could not begin to estimate her age because of the amount of make up she was wearing., If the quantity of make up she had was Bondo, it would supply a body shop for several repairs.

     As this "lady" approached the tub line, she removed her jacket and attempted to remove her boots. After struggling for several minutes, she finally asked an elderly (really old) gentleman in line behind her for help. This action would have definitely won the $100,000.00 prize. As she pushed tubs on the floor and sat down on the stainless steel table, her assistant dutifully began to tug and pull on her boot. Lets sum up this action with the words: slip, fall backwards, and busted his ass more than once. A female TSA officer finally came to her rescue and jerked them puppies off with an apparent vendetta which resulted in another "busted butt" (as the "lady" slipped off the table) and a group "laugh out loud". When the TSA officer advised her that her shirt would set off the scanner, the "lady" replied in a very loud voice, "well I don't know what you expect me to do about it, I can't take it off, I don't have on a bra". Other than being entirely too much information, the mental image that this created required an immediate application of mental bleach. When the "lady" attempted to send her bag through the scanner, it came back way faster than it went in. The TSA officer removed two bottles of water, a tray of cinnamon rolls (you know, the aluminum ones at the grocery store with eight in them), several candy bars, and a can of hair spray.

     Fortunately for me, there were 2 screening lines open and I was a participant in the other line. As I cleared the scanner without a hitch and retrieved my items, I could not keep myself from looking over my shoulder to see what was happening. The "lady" was being escorted from the line area by several TSA officers, two of Memphis's finest, and my old friend "Fido" and his handler. Boots in hand, toe socks on her feet, and screaming at the top of her lungs "I didn't do anything to deserve this abuse, I will have your jobs you ba#%*&@s".

     Needless to say I was out of fashion flags before I ever boarded the plane. At least I was entertained.