Alaska here I come! 12/12/12

     The day is finally here to start my Alaska adventure. While I have been to many places in the lower 48, this is my first trip to Alaska. I “think” I know what I am getting into, but until I am actually there I have no way of knowing if I am truly prepared. Did I pack the correct clothes? Is there anything I need that I won’t be able to get in Dillingham? How will the native people receive me? And the questions from “Ralph” (that little pesky voice living inside my head) come fast and endlessly.

      Now for those of you that travel, you already know that there is no “travel fairy” that waves a magic wand and everything about your trip is hunky dory. I have prepared myself over the years to expect the unexpected and pride myself in the fact that I am fairly self-sufficient and can deal with most travel related issues while still smiling. However, Ralph is constantly trying to instill doubt and frustration in my life. I am determined that Ralph will never win, but he is occasionally able to temporarily gain a slight advantage.

     I awoke this morning at 3 am. I put the coffee on, brushed my teeth, and at 3:30 am I woke the “princess”. As I have mentioned before, I have the “bestest” wife in the world (who else would get up at this ungodly hour to take me to the airport?). While she dresses and prepares her 2 (yes two) cups of coffee (one for going to the airport and one for the return trip), I put my bags in the truck and start the engine so the cab will be warm when I, er she, gets in. I remove the heavy frost from the windshield and      return to the kitchen where I inform her “your chariot awaits”. Unfortunately, she did not find this statement nearly as humorous as I did at “oh my god thirty” in the morning.

     We arrived at the airport about 4:15 am (for my 6 am flight), I unloaded my bags, had a prolonged “good bye, hurry your ass back home hug and kiss” and she departed as I entered the Memphis airport terminal. As I crossed the threshold of air travel, the comedy of errors began and I realized this was going to be a LONG day.

     I was unable to check in online because my flight had “too many legs”. My itinerary was: Memphis to Atlanta; Atlanta to Seattle; Seattle to Anchorage: and Anchorage to Dillingham. Now in my “prepared” state I know that the airline recommends that you arrive for domestic flights 90 minutes prior to departure, it even says it on the ticket. With my inability to check in online I allowed myself a few extra minutes to check in and get my boarding pass. Now I should have suspected something when the TSA check point was unmanned and had heavy steel gates pulled across the entrance with a sign advising that they would open at 4:30 am. Great, I have fifteen minutes to get checked in before I go through TSA screening. Funny thing Delta doesn’t tell you is that their ticket agents don’t even show up at the ticket counter in Memphis until 4:45 am. About this time I tell Ralph to be quiet as I wait in line with about 20 other passengers that did not know Delta ticket agents got to sleep in. There was a “very unhelpful” Delta lady in a red jacket that walked up to the line I was standing in and told us that we should be checking in at the kiosk. I and several others informed her we had tried, and the kiosk told us we had to see an agent. With this information firmly grasped in her little mind, she smilingly informed us that we would have to wait to see a ticket agent. Thanks a lot lady in red!

     At exactly 4:45 am, the gentleman in the blue Delta jacket finally got his computer turned on and the line began to inch forward. When it was finally my turn, the gentleman informed me that he could only ticket me to Anchorage; I would have to get my ticket for the last leg when I got there. Seems like we have a plan and can go forward, Ralph has gone back to sleep and all is well. The time is now 5:20 am. The TSA screening process was uneventful and I got to my gate just as the last of the first class passengers was entering the jet way. I boarded without difficulty and was ready for a day of flying. As we departed the gate, the pilot informed us that we would be slightly delayed for take off due to the fact that we were in the de-icing line. I silently chuckled to myself at the irony of this. I am leaving the “warm” south headed to Alaska, and before I can take off the plane needs to be de-iced.

     The timing of this trip before the holidays meant that there were quite a few families traveling and a multitude of fairly fresh babies probably on their way to see grandma for the first time. Throughout the first three legs, the children were well behaved, unlike the gentleman I will refer to as “Richard Cranium” on the Atlanta to Seattle leg who apparently is a legend in his own mind. “Richard” refused to sit in his assigned seat because there was a mother with a little one in her lap in the next seat. His exact words were: “I refuse to sit by that sniveling brat all the way to Seattle!” About half way through his tantrum, Ralph woke up and encouraged me to politely step over to “Richard” and (as Ralph so eloquently put it) “knock him on his humpty dumpty ass”. This would have given me a great feeling of chivalry and satisfaction, but probably resulted in my incarceration and very large fines. I did do the next best thing and inform the flight attendant that I would be glad to exchange seats with “Richard”. She thanked me and quickly allowed us to swap seats. The young mother was visibly upset but the infant in question was soundly sleeping in his mother’s arms. I assured her that I had no problem with her or her child, advised her to forget about “Richard” and enjoy the flight. The child was an angel throughout the flight, and even let me hold him while his mother made a trip to the lavatory without vocally objecting.

     Now at the time that our friend “Richard” was showing his ass and I offered to swap seats, no one had filled the seat next to mine. Shortly after exchanging seats, a very large elderly lady “squozed” herself into the seat beside “Richard”. Several times during the trip to Seattle, she could be heard throughout the aircraft snoring loudly and smacking her lips. Now who says there is no such thing as karma?

     I arrived in Anchorage without further incident and all was well until I disembarked the plane. I’ll tell you about that in the next blog.